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| Tuesday, March 20, 2007 |
| Trying not to sleep... |
I have an appointment with Donna today and I am trying not to go back to bed and forget it. Yesterday I got up at 4 a.m. and then went back to bed at 9 a.m. and didn't wake up until 6 p.m.. I guess my body said enough is enough and decided to take back its hours of lost sleep. It seems no matter what time I go to bed I awake at 4 or 5 a.m. and sometimes it is hard for me to go to bed before midnight because of taking a nap during the day. Screwy darn sleep patterns, enough to make you mad.
So, today I have Donna coming at 1:45 and Kristin, Clay's and my new case manager, comes at 4. That is a busy day for me. Oh, yeah, and we have a meeting at the school for Clay's sophomore year at 6:30. I have been talking myself out of that one this morning. I believe Gary will be going on his own. I just have a hard time with things like that.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
posted by Teressa @ 10:35 AM  |
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| Monday, March 19, 2007 |
| Long time no see.... |
Yes, it has been awhile. Been depressed and out of sorts. Still dealing with depression and the out of sorts feeling but I told someone that I would post so here I am. I was suppose to do it a few days ago but like usual I forgot.
Not a whole lot has been going on. Gary's cyst is not growing but the surgeon here says it has to be drained. They are going to go through the esophagus and then cut a hole in the stomach and then cut a hole in the cyst and sew the two together. I really questioned the surgeon on the risk of septic infection with doing this because that is why the other surgeon didn't want to do it. This surgeon, Dr. Hammas, disagrees. Anyway, it was agreed that he could wait a year if the cyst doesn't start growing anymore. We need to wait a year or a little over because Gary is going to take out insurance and this is a preexisting illness. Gary is in a lot of pain. They have him on Vicodin but he can't take it while he works, it puts his lights out, lol. So he takes it when he gets home and is ready to go to bed. At least he can sleep without too much pain.
Clay, oh Clay. My A-B student has been struggling. He even had an F in pre-AP english. He has brought that up to a D. We have a feeling that he has been having side effects from the Topomax and we have them weening him off of it. I hope to see an improvement with this. I was warned about the Topomax by Jane at Jane Loves Tarzan but it didn't seen he shows any of the symptoms that she mentioned until he was working on the play "Romeo and Juliet". He kept telling me that he was going to get an F because he just could not remember anything and it struck me then about the med. So we shall see. Other than that he is doing fine. Typical 14 soon to be 15 yo.
I am just me.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 5:12 AM |
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| Friday, December 29, 2006 |
| Survival |
The pictures are of my mother and new SUV. Survived the holiday feasts without going into diabetic coma. The food was good but the fellowship was even better. I got some great gifts for Christmas this year. I received a digital camera from Gary and my mother. I would post some pics but don't know how to do it here. If I figure it out before ending the blog I will post a couple. I got lots of shower gels, bath sets, shea butter, candles and the piece de la resistance, a new car. My mother went and bought us a 2004 Pontiac Aztec. My bother-in-law came down and picked us up to take us to my mother's for the holiday. When we got to my mother's Gary and I sat on the porch before going in to have a smoke after the long trip without one. My brother Tony joined us. We were visiting and Shawn, my brother-in-law, came out of the house on his way to pick up his family and my mother came out behind him. She asked if we minded if she went with him because she needed to pick up some things from the store. I said sure. Nothing out of the ordinary. So, Gary, my brother Tony and I continue to sit on the porch visiting. Pretty soon here comes Shawn's van and another vehicle. It was dark so I couldn't make out who was in the other vehicle until it pulled up right at the bottom of the porch steps. My mother was driving it. Shawn and my sister Jerri was getting out of their van and I start asking whose vehicle that was. I thought my mother had gone out and bought another one. My mother got out of the Aztek and walked up on the porch and handed me a little gift bag. She turned around and I opened the bag and she turned back around and dropped the keys to the Aztek into the bag and said Merry Christmas. I was dumb founded and in shock. I said no way, my sister said it is yours, I said no it isn't, my brother said if I didn't believe it to look at the paper work. I just said no it is not. It took minutes for it to sink in. Gary was sitting across from me with a stunned look on his face. Finally I accepted it as truth and went to check out our new SUV. Everyone kept telling us to take it for a test drive. We didn't know what to do. Gary said we would drive it around the drive way. Well, we got in it and headed around the drive way and decided to take it on the road. It runs like a dream. We ended up in town to buy an ashtray lol because the truck didn't come with one. We had to break it in. It is still a wonder to me. It did hit me when we were driving to town that we would not be able to afford the taxes on the thing. My heart sunk. When we got home I sat on the porch and called my mother out and told her that I appreciated it but that we could not pay the taxes on it and she said dummy don't you think I know that? So she wrote a check for taxes and tagging it. We are giving the van to a man that Gary works with. He and his family don't have a vehicle. He knows what is wrong with the van and still wants it. I am hoping that he is mechanically minded and can fix it. It runs but it is on it's last legs unless someone goes into it. He has 3 children I think and the van is perfect for that. Clay had a nice Christmas as well. We got him an Ipod shuffle w/$25 song card, and a few other things. My mother got him an official Jeff Gordon, ugh, jacket. I know, poor kid and choices of drivers. I would of loved to have had the Matt Kenseth but they didn't have one in my size. My mother also got him some new clothes, a monkey that you can plug the shuffle into and listen to the music, plus other odds and ends of things. My mother also bought Gary a Bunn coffee maker. She bought me a set of candles and a memory card for my camera. We also got $500 cash. It was a pretty cool Christmas. One that will be hard to ever beat. Nothing from my dad, not even a card. I didn't expect a gift but a card would of been nice. I love getting cards. I usually don't get to send cards myself because of the cost. However, I hit wally world the day after Christmas and bought lots of Christmas cards for next year. At one point this year I had more cards from online friends than family or 3d friends. I thought that said a lot. People take online friends for granted too much. We are heading to my mother's today. The car dealer forgot to sign and print his name in a spot on the title so we have to take care of that. We plan to spend the night. At least it will be more relaxing than it was with all the holiday festivities going on. We can travel to my mom's now without worry of the vehicle. The Aztec gets good gas mileage too. Whatever is wrong with the van caused it to suck the gas. We went from spending $31 every two weeks on gas to spending $75. I guess I better get off of here and get in the shower. Gary wants to leave early. Love to all.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 6:05 AM |
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| Saturday, December 16, 2006 |
| 12.16.6 |
Well things are going OK so far. We hear Monday the results of Gary's tests on the pancreatic cyst. I am really pulling for good news. Although I would think it would have to come out. It is causing him so much pain. He is going to be really upset if they decided not to intervene and do something about it. He just wants it gone and I don't blame him. I want the cyst on my cervix gone too but they are letting it shrink on it's own. I am afraid it won't shrink so I know how Gary feels. Although my cyst is not as large as his is by no means.
Clay is doing good. He was exempt from the last 3 days of school so he is out now for Christmas break. I truly wish I could say that I was looking forward to that but with us fighting so much I am not. I know it is a stage thing but it is frustrating. He is still very active with the church. The church had their annual Christmas show and Clay got to run the main T.V. camera for them. He was nervous but my doctor said he did a good job. Kinda makes my head swell a bit. He is such a smart and responsible kid. I just wish he would be more respectful at home.
I am doing OK so far. Having my spell with the depressive side of my bipolar disease. It will pass I know but this is the longest bout I have ever had that I can remember. Also being in the hospital twice since October doesn't help with the depression. Once for pneumonia and an infection in the lining of my abdominal wall and another time for my heart. I hope that I don't have to go back for a long time if at all. The time in October, one night they had to rush me to the ICU and didn't even notify my husband. Boy was he mad when he came to visit me the next day and couldn't find me and found out that I was in intensive care. I had stopped breathing, was unresponsive and my oxygen dropped to 60 percent. They never knew why. I just feel it was my sleep apnea.
We are going to my sister's and my mother's for Christmas. There will be 10 of us. Not like the 16 at Thanksgiving. My sister isn't inviting non-relatives this time. Our menu is Heavenly ham, potato salad, slaw, baked beans, green beans, mac and cheese. Deserts will be my mother's best coconut cake, lemon cake, and my son is making a red velvet cake. Look at sugar levels lol. Hopefully the three of us who are diabetic will not go into a coma, lol. Said jokingly but seriously I hope we do OK.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 7:16 AM |
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| Monday, November 06, 2006 |
| 11.6.6 |
Nothing much going on as usual. Have still been depressed. I am suppose to be increasing my lexapro but keep forgetting to take the other half a pill. I get lazy like that. I hate splitting pills. My pill splitter broke and I can barely get a pill split in half without one.
Spent some time in the hospital, a day shy of a week. The longest time in a while that I have had to be in one. I started having pains from the center of my chest to around my upper right side and into my back. So I went to the ER one night and first off my blood pressure was 180/116 or 112 one or the other. My oxygen level was in the 70's. They did a bunch of blood work, ct scan and xrays. Found out I had an infection, cellulitus, in the abdominal wall, pneumonia, too much blood in my system and my blood was too thick. I never thought that I was that sick. All I felt was the pain. So they put me in the hospital and started I.V. antibiotics, oxygen, and done a phlebotomy. My oxygen kept dropping sometimes to the 60's when I would take it off to go to the bathroom. The lowest I seen it was 66 percent. They had me on 3 percent oxygen and man that hurts the nostrils lol. Wednesday night something happened, I am still not sure what, but I remember coming to for a few seconds and there was a doctor in my room with a few nurses and the doctor was asking me if I had took anything other than what they were giving me in the hospital. I said no and remember being upset that they asked me that and wondered why they were there asking. Then the next thing I know is that I am being moved to the ICU. I wish I had been alert enough to ask what was going on. I can't remember to today what reason they gave after I was returned back to my room the next day. Oh, I remember telling them that I was diabetic and asking them if they had checked my sugar. I guess that was a duh remark. At least I hope they thought to check my sugars before overreacting to me being in whatever shape I was in.
I also had an infection in the scar tissue around my incision from my hysterectomy and c-section. It is still somewhat inflamed. I knew I had this infection for some time but my danged doctor would not take notice of it. I tried bringing it to his attention weeks ago.
I now have a problem with where the last I.V. was in and it infiltrated. The vein is swollen about 5 inches up my arm and hurts like the dickens. The fever is out of it now though and it is not as swollen as it was but I sure will be glad when it heals.
Gary is still dealing with pain from the pancreatic cyst. I will be glad when December 18th gets around here and we find something out about this. Gary is not just in pain, he is also scared and I don't blame him. It seems to us that the thing has gotten bigger but we don't know if it is just our imaginations.
I pray a lot and keep my faith. Sometimes our prayers are not answered the way we want them to be so I want to also prepare myself for what can come. Try to strengthen myself mentally. I do know that whatever happens that God has made the best decision for us and knows that we can handle it. I am very thankful for having God on my side.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 12:19 AM |
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| Tuesday, October 17, 2006 |
| Thoughts |
My granny is doing OK so far. She is in renal failure amongst other things but those things are to be expected at this time. Gary is doing the same, Herbie, as we call the cyst, lol, is still being a pain. Clay is in exams this week and working hard. I am here, taking life as it comes.
I don't believe I normally talk about myself on my blog. Pretty strange huh? I always feel there is not much to say. I have been thinking that there are things to be said about myself. Every day I have to reach inside and pull out my strength to meet the new day. That strength comes from God and I am so fortunate to have Him in my life and guiding me. I have been negligent in being a good witness for my Father and Jesus my Saviour. I know my faith shows to some who read my blog regularly but I wonder how much shows to the passerby. I want everyone to know how God works in my life on a daily basis. If it wasn't for God and Jesus I would of killed myself by now. My faith is the only thing that keeps me from doing so. Not Clay and Gary as some would assume, but my faith. Clay and Gary would move on eventually. If only people could see the miracles that God works in my life on a daily basis I believe that there would be those that don't believe come to believe. Our lives are full of things that are remarkable. It is a miracle when we sit down to a meal because $125 just don't go very far for 2 weeks groceries for 3 people, but we make it, and we buy dish soap, laundry soap, tooth paste, shampoo, conditioner, toilet paper, etc. with that $125. By the grace of God is the only way I know that it is done. Once this year we had to have the church buy us groceries. There again is another miracle. God working through this church. The church also paid to fix our van, it still needs fixing as the other person didn't do right, but the church is paying to have someone else fix it right. Then when the van was out of order there was these strangers to Gary and I, Clay knew them, but we didn't, they called and offered us the use of their vehicle. In our lives things like this happens all the time. Yet I will worry. I don't know why I worry. I should know by now that God will always intervene. I do try to lay all things at God's feet but I am not perfect. I want so much to share my love and the love I recieve with all those that I know and even those I don't know. It is hard when I pray at night, I can pray for hours. I don't want to miss anyone. I have fell asleep praying and woke in the middle of the night to continue the prayer. I have done that several times in a night. Then there are nights when I fall asleep before my prayer is done and it don't get finished and man do I feel guilty. Like especially when I fall asleep in my chair unknowingly. I worry sometimes about the fact that I am a sinful person whether my prayers will be answered, but so far I feel that they are answered as God sees fit. Well, I have gone on and on today. I will touch on this subject on another day sometime. Love and hugs to all my friends and even you strangers that happen by.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 2:26 PM |
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| Thursday, October 12, 2006 |
| Death lingering |
all around me. First Max died, then his cousin died, then his other cousins wife. Yesterday my granny was set up with hospice. They gave her weeks to live. Her heart is just giving out. I am OK with her passing. We talked about it a long time ago. I know she is ready. She wants to go and has wanted to go for a long time. She is 87 today and spending it in the hospital as she had a heart attack sometime Monday, if I am remembering my days correctly. I just really hope she goes in peace. Not like Max. However, I fear she will labor. The fluid is building up in her fast. Her blood pressure keeps dropping slowly. She struggles for air.
My mother is not taking this so well. She said it is too soon. I can just imagine how she is feeling. Just losing her husband and now losing her mother within 2 months of his death. My heart goes out to her.
Gary is doing the same. The pain is still there. Nothing has changed. He goes for another CT scan the first part of December and then sees the doctor a week after that for the results. Hopefully these people can tell us something at that time. This is getting ridiculous. Also, the more they screw around the more the bills pile up. We did get a 90 percent discount on any procedures done at the hospital in Memphis, that was good, but as poor as we are that 100 on a 1000 is still going to be impossible. I hope all these people will take ten dollars a month on their bills. Well, I have faith in God and somehow this will all work out. I just have to lay it at His feet and quit thinking about it.
Clay is doing well. He had 5 A's, 2 B's, and a D on his report card. The D is in AP Biology. It is really a C by the grade point average. The AP classes are graded on a 5.0 scale rather than the normal 4.0. It was still a bone of contention between us that his grade was so low. If you know me you would be shocked at how well I took it. Anything below a B was unacceptable when he is an A-B student. That is how I have always been and he has maintained those grades. When he pulled a C in a class midterm I went nuts. That grade was brought up. For me to look at what was an F and not kill the boy was a miracle. He had an F and brought it up to that D. They warned us at the meeting for AP students to be prepared for something like this. I just didn't think it would be possible with Clay. I noticed, when I went to the school website, that his F's in that class are on chapter reviews and tests. He tells me that what she says will be on the test is not what is on it. So, I am now enforcing him to read the whole chapter and not go by the study guide. We will see if that works. His other grades are so good that I just can't keep beating him up over this. There has to be a legitimate reason for it. Clay is a good student. Well, Clay is just a good kid period, lol, no prejudice there. Oh, he is typical teen but I am glad for that, shows he is going through the stages of life healthy.
Me, I am, well, I am depressed most of the time. My meds aren't working and I don't want to fool with telling the doctor and going through the whole changing scenario. I sit here in the dark and play hearts, watch TV, or go to diabetic chat. Anymore I have to make myself go to diabetic chat because I am isolating again. Oh, well, I will get through.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 10:04 AM |
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| Thursday, October 05, 2006 |
| Results |
They could not do the needle biopsy because Gary coughed too much for them to try. They said that it was too dangerous because they could of hit something that they shouldn't. They did however get a look at the mass and the doctor said that it does not look like cancer. He said it looked benign. He said he has seen a lot of things like this and he is confident that it is benign. He wants Gary back in 2 months to have another CAT scan to see if it has grown anymore. He did say that if it does grow then we may be looking at a malignancy. So, I can rest assured that we got good news and take it and run, but, the growing part concerns me. This thing grew already to 7 -8 inches. What would make it stop? Also, the original reason Gary went to the doctor was because of his testicle. He still has that problem. The surgeon here said that he felt the mass was pressing on the cord leading to the testicle causing the vascular feeds to be cut off. So, since the doctor in Memphis does not plan on taking the mass out where do we go from there? I have to call the doctors today and find something out. Hopefully.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 11:15 AM |
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| Wednesday, October 04, 2006 |
| 10.4.6 |
Well, Gary is having his test as I am typing this. I surely pray that this mass is not cancer. It is so weird how it just came up. They keep doing tests and all Gary wants is for them to get the darn thing out of him, he is worried, as he has a right to be. I guess knowing it is there really plays with his mind. It is painful as well. I so wanted to be there for him but it is such a burden to take me anywhere, what with the wheelchair and all. My mother and Tracy are with him though and they are good to him.
I am sure anxious over Gary. My insides are a mess. I was so upset this morning that I ate way too much food and now I am sick from my blood sugar going high. I ate a whole package of Ritz crackers, a ham sandwich, and a bowl of ice cream, and if I had some chips right now I would be eating them. That is how I deal with stress. That is one reason I am so big.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 1:26 PM |
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| Wednesday, September 13, 2006 |
| Quasi update on Gary, etc. |
I forgot to post before now how the doctor's visit went with Gary. He didn't see the doctor on Monday but yesterday. We don't know any more now than we knew before the PET scan. They could not determine anything different with the PET. The surgeon said that he would have to refer Gary to Little Rock or Memphis to be seen there because he did not have the support or means to do the extensive surgery that Gary needs. He said that it would be at least an 8 hour surgery to remove the mass. This is a small hospital. They do have a bigger hospital in the neighboring town and I have questioned why he cannot go there but have not recieved an answer on that. They were suppose to call but have not called yet. This is so frustrating. I don't drive, thus I cannot take Gary to Memphis, which will be the choice of the two. Gary can get someone to take him down there and pick him up, but Gary has told me that he don't want to be there alone. My mother just told me that she would go down and be with him, which is a very kind thing of her to do. Especially with what she just went through. However, being selfish, I want to be the one there for my husband as he faces this and I can't be and I am kinda angry and hurt by it. Angry with myself, not anyone else. Another thing, the doctors here are seeing Gary for free. The doctor in Memphis I am sure will not. We don't have the money for a doctor's visit. I don't know what we will do, and before you rush to judgement, we don't have the money to put with the money we would save by cutting off the internet to afford them either. So may as well keep what keeps me sane. I don't know why I am worrying so much. God has provided for us so good up to now I don't know why I would think He would stop with this. I always worry and then it seems for nothing. You would think I would of learned by now. I just feel the longer they take the longer this thing has to grow or spread if it is cancer. Gary is in a lot of pain. He went back to work again last night. I know it was hard on him but he has to work up until the time for surgery. He only has a little less than 4 weeks of off time left that he can use. He went back to work the Wednesday before Max passed away but then took the 3 days grievance after the death. So last night was actually his second day back.
My mom is doing OK I guess. She is shopping to console herself and I am worried about that. She has done that for years. When she gets depressed she goes nuts buying things. She has to pay $14,000 in taxes next year and she has that set aside but I am afraid she is going to go through the rest of it too quickly. She paid off the car and the mortage on the house, the truck is paid off upon Max's death. Those were the things they owed on. Max was buried debt free. She mailed the car payment off the day of the funeral to make sure that he was. It was important to her. She will draw Max's SSA and his VA pension and if she don't go crazy with spending she should do fine. But really, that woman likes to spend money when she is upset, lots of it. I am like her and if I had money I would do the same. I do spend money that could go to better use when I am manic so I understand her feelings. Anything to get her out of the house I know is another factor. She does not like being home now. She especially hates it at night. It is hard on her. I love her so much.
Clay is doing OK. He caught up on all his home work that he missed in his AP classes and others but for a test he is taking in AP civics tomorrow. I am proud of him. They warned all the parents about a student missing one day in the AP classes at the meeting we had before school started. They said it would be very hard to catch up again by missing even one day. Clay missed 3 days. His grades so far are 5 A's, a C, and a D. He has a project to turn in for the class that he has the D in and that will bring that grade up and the same thing for the C class. The class with the C is an AP class and so it is really a B, or 3.0. It is funny, an A in those classes are 5.0's. Clay did real well with the death of his grandfather. Clay don't show emotions too much. He did miss getting one of the shell casing from the 21 gun salute and I didn't know it until Sunday night when he came to me and told me. I felt bad for him. He just won't speak up. I don't know what to do about that. My brother-in-law was handing them out and I asked Clay why he didn't ask for one, they were going to the grandkids. Clay told me he was afraid of his Uncle Shawn. I don't know why he would be afraid of him, Shawn has never done anything to him. He does speak in a gruff voice, maybe that is why.
Tracy is doing OK. She is staying with momma. I am so glad that she is able to do that. They help each other. Tracy is a God send. Also my mom has my other sister, Jerri, there. She moved down to be close so that she could help. My mom told me this evening that Jerri lifted her spirits today. I think she had her laughing. That is a good thing. I have some good sisters.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 4:50 PM |
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| Saturday, September 09, 2006 |
| Max passed away |
Max passed away Thursday morning at 9:47. He took a peaceful breath and was gone. He suffered though before the very end. It was hard. Today was the funeral and I made it through it OK. My mother was a trooper. I was really concerned with how she would do at the grave side services but she was strong. He was buried with full military honors. The 21 gun salute and taps was the hardest part of the ceremony for me. He was a true hero. He has a bronze star and a purple heart. He saved mens lives in the war and saved my mother's life when he married her. He was a good husband to her and he took in us 5 kids in doing so. He will be greatly missed. Thank you all for your prayers. Now we just need to get Gary well. Prayers are needed that Monday we find out that the growth inside Gary is not cancerous.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 7:01 PM |
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| Friday, September 01, 2006 |
| Was I not complaining enough? |
I mean, gee, was there not enough going on?
Since I last posted we got the results of the CAT scan on Gary and found out he has a 7 to 8 inch mass growing inside him. It is pushing against his spleen, kidney,liver, and bladder and crowding everything in the abdomen. So the urologist put us in touch with a surgeon to remove the mass and said he would do surgery on the vascular problem at the same time they remove the mass. The surgeon seen us pro bono as well. Thank the Lord. We go and Gary sees the surgeon who then wants another test run. They are going to run a PET scan Tuesday. When the urologist talked to us about the mass he said that, of course, cancer can't be ruled out until pathology is done on the mass. When he said the word cancer my heart just sank. It was the first thing that had popped into my head when he said "mass". Going through what we are going through with Max I automatically thought of it. Now they are running a PET scan which will show if there are anymore "masses" inside of him. We have to file for medicade on Gary, which I doubt we will qualify for. We have a financial aid package they gave us at the hospital to fill out and Tuesday they are suppose to give us a financial aid package for that hospital. Today we got the bills on the lab, xray, and ultrasound. One bill was $202 and the other was around $2200, can't remember for sure on that one but that is close. The $2200 must be the ultrasound. It sure didn't take them long to get a bill out to us, lol. They will be on us like bloodhounds real quick and we have nothing. I may be the next to lose my internet. That PET scan will probably be upwards of $5000. Then we are not even considering the anesthesiologist, more labs, the surgeon, and the urologist. Before the surgeon ever saw Gary they said they would see him for free then but if it came to surgery that arrangements would have to be made. I am sure the urologist will be the same way. Who is to say we won't be filing bankruptcy again. And over medical expenses once more. The church paid to get our van fixed. It is coming home right now. It has been gone would be 4 weeks Thursday. We were so fortunate that a member of the church had this Blazer to loan to us. They do all this stuff for us and you know what? We never asked the man for use of his vehicle. He just offered it. Who does that? A very good Christian man he is. His wife as well. Well, she is not a man but a good Christian woman, lol. This has knotted my stomach typing all this. I am going to close off now.
Later. God bless. Teressa.
P.S.
Those that pray, please say prayers for Gary. |
| posted by Teressa @ 3:21 PM |
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| Friday, August 25, 2006 |
| 8.25.6 |
I left Saturday to see Max. Tracy came and picked me up. I thought I was prepared for what I was to encounter but the shock of it surprised me. The sight of him there in that bed and being given his pills like a child was so sad. When I got there he could say a couple words, like "hi" and "yeah". "Yeah" was his response to "I love you". Same answer for everyone, lol. He could give my mother kisses by her kissing her finger and her putting her finger to his lips. He would pucker up and softly kiss her finger.
I spent a lot of time in the room with him on Saturday. Just sitting in the recliner. He was sleeping most of the time. When he would wake up I would go to the side of the bed and take his hand. He would hold my hand and sometimes he would not let it go. I couldn't stand there long so would have to give over his hand to my mother. It was hard when we would have to forcefully move his hand from mine to my mother's. I felt pretty useless when it came time to care for him. I did get to help turn him once, help change his diaper, and help make his bed up once. Little things but it felt good to be a part in taking care of him.
Sunday I was sitting in the recliner and fell asleep. It is where I slept part of the night Saturday night as well. I was out, lol, and the next thing I know is Max's is hollering my name. I jumped a foot I bet. I got up and took his hand and he tried to say something to me but nothing was coherent. That is frustrating on both parts. I will never know what he wanted. I know he held my hand tightly. Once he was sleeping peacefully again I left the room. I carefully listened to the baby monitor when not in the room. Always happy to hear a snore.
I went and sat in the dining area. You can see my granny sitting in her chair in her room from the seat I was in. Suddenly she was needing Jerri and said she was going to be sick. Jerri got her a trash can and granny threw up. She had been complaining of chest pains earlier that day. Actually she had been complaining of chest pains off and on for 4 days. Granny got up and walked as far as the treadmill and my mother walked through the room and asked my granny what was wrong. Granny told her she felt like she was going to faint. Momma got her to her chair and granny just slumped over. An ambulance had to be called and she was transported to the hospital 40 minutes away. My brother-in-law and nieces were the only ones who could go with her as 2 people had to be there for Max and I couldn't be counted on for either. Anyway, they checked her and she had a bowel blockage and a gas pocket opposite sides of her bowel. Evidently she also threw up blood. The next day they diagnosed ulcers to go with everything else. She is still in the hospital. Today they are going to get her up and walk her.
Monday Max had less moments of speaking to us. Sometimes he would say things that was just out there. Like telling us that the cattle prices were up. I don't remember all the strange things he said but I know my mother hung on every word that would come out, I know hoping that the next time it would make sense. My mother is having an extremely hard time. At this time Max started struggling to breath. His pulse/ox was 85 that morning but the hospice nurses didn't put him on the oxygen at that time. I don't know why. So the head hospice nurse was called and we got the OK to start the oxygen. I once more found a use for myself. Noone else knew how to set the machine up, so I got to do that and get him on it. Little things, you know.
I forgot to tell the time he wanted out of bed. Oh my. He was adamant about getting out of that bed. That was earlier in the day on Monday. We heard him hollering in the baby monitor and off we went. He had his legs up over the rail on the bed. It was OK though because he didn't have the strength to pull himself over, or we think he don't, he did turn on his side one time on his own which shocked all of us. Anyway, Shawn, my bil, stood him up and I got the wheel chair behind him and they took him to the living room. I had to go to the bathroom and by the time I came out they had him back in bed, he didn't last long in the chair. He said his legs hurt and he was able to get that out. It seemed that right after his pain meds he was more alert. Funny as in funny odd.
Tuesday he had deteriorated more. They had to move from giving him his pills by putting them in his mouth and him swallowing them with a drink of water to crushing them and giving them via syringe. I would go to the side of the bed and tell him I loved him and everyonce in a while I would get a look of recognition and him trying to say something but he just couldn't, then the glazed look would come over him.
Wednesday I came home. I heard from my mom and sisters that he had another episode of wanting out of the bed and they had to call my step-brother, Rodney, in from work to help them. He came out and put him in the chair and 5 seconds later Max wanted back in bed, he just couldn't take it, poor thing. They put him back to bed and he was fine. Later that day he started vomitting up blood.
Thursday they started him on liquid morphine and phenagren. He is showing signs of less than a week to go. I did have a talk with my mother before I left that she needed to prepare herself for the end. That there would come a time when she will call the hospice nurse and they won't be able to do anything more. She says that she is ready but from what I seen she is not. She can't even order her suit for the funeral and it is just a matter of days. I think she waited too long.
Gary is not doing well. They did an ultrasound on his groin and testicle. The cord down there is wrapped around the blood vessels and cutting off circulation to the testi. He is also herniated above that area. They called yesterday and wanted a CAT scan done asap. He had it done at 6 p.m. last night. Today we will hear about that. The nurse told me when setting up the CAT that the doctor thinks that something else might be causing the problem because the problem Gary has is normally a slow onset. Gary's is acute and it is rare for it to be acute.
I have an appointment for nerve conduction tests done on my arms this morning and I am hoping that it don't take too long because I am sure Gary's doctor will be calling as soon as he gets the CAT scan results.
Our van is being fixed. They believe it is the fuel pump anyway and are replacing it. The church agreed to pay for it. So hopefully we will have our wheels back soon. We still have the Blazer on loan from the man from church. God is good.
AHHHHH, LIFE!
Later. God bless. Teressa.
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| posted by Teressa @ 5:03 AM |
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| Friday, August 18, 2006 |
| 8.18.6 |
This moring I made my call to my mother and sister. I got my step-sister. My mother was on a much needed break and shopping with my granny and middle sister. Tracy, my youngest sis, and the one I am closest to, was not available because she was in her travel trailer crying and upset. When she went to give Max his morning meds he accused her of trying to kill him. Then when the nurses were working with him she was holding his hand and he told her that he would be glad when she was done, she told him that they were almost done and he said get away from me and pushed her hand away. He then told her that if she didn't get him up out of the bed she could not stay there. It just became too much for her. She don't want his last thoughts of her being that she is trying to kill him or doing harm to him. That is really bothering her. I tried to tell her that he don't know what he is saying but I guess it is just empty words actually.
I called this afternoon and the nurse was back. They had to call her to come out. He was dealing them a fit. He threatened to hit my mother and refused to take his pills. They finally got him to take his pills by my middle sister, Jerri, giving them to him. I was included in the conferrence that the nurse held with the family through the phone. It is bad. She said that by the symptoms that the cancer has now made it's way to his brain. She gave a lot of instruction on his pain medication, he has patches that they put on him, as well as his oral pain meds. The talk on meds was lengthy. It really affected me when she started talking about restraining him. She said she don't believe he could get up on his own but there is always the chance and we can't have that happening. I just can't imagine him being tied down. I mean it is just a loose restraint across the chest and around the back but it is still RESTRAINT. I would never want to be restrained, but it is for his safety. Then they talked about the packing in the incision where they took the lymph nodes out. She wasn't aware that it was still packed. So she went in there and took care of it. Come to find out it is infected and oozing puss, yet she said that it is not a concern even though it is infected. Not with the advanced stage he is at. It is all so sad.
My mother was in tears when I first called but by the time I hung up she was involved in cooking dinner and they were keeping her busy. Tracy was in better spirits as well. Tracy is coming to pick me up tomorrow and I am going to spend the weekend there. I missed the opportunity to see him when he was still aware of what was going on around him. Everyone says I don't want to see him this way but in my heart I just want to see him before he goes.
We had a very tiring day. The day started at 5 a.m. for me. Shower at 7:30. Gdoc at 9:00. Labs and referrals. Then we were off to WalMart to get Clay's school clothes out of layaway. Took forever there because associates have to have their layaway checked by management before leaving the layaway department. Management DID NOT think it was priority. OF COURSE. We are menial beings whose time means nothing. Oh well, I am just a bit edgy tonight. Anyway. We ate lunch at WalMart and done some light shopping and headed home. We got home at noon and had an hour and a half before we had to leave for my next appointment with the eye doctor. Nothing doing but we were bombarded by neighbors wanting to use our phone. That irritated me. They were here until time to go. We went to the eye doctor and got in on time, who would of thunk it. Right at 2. So I have my pressures read and my periperials tested. Wait on the doctor and was told everything looked fine. The next appointment was for Gary. The church set up this appointment and it was pro bono. One of the doctor's from church. Gary has a pretty bad hernia. He was referred to a surgeon. They spoke to the surgeon about our situation financially and they said they would work with us. I don't know what "working" means, but if it means making a $100 payment a month we just don't have it and I don't know what to do. Gary has to have the surgery. Right now Gary is on leave from work for the next week at least. Depending on how soon they get him in for surgery the leave may be extended longer. He has 197 hours of sick pay so I don't see an issue there. I just hope everything works out OK. Oh yeah, I bet you are wondering how we did all this today if the van is out of commission. Well, another member of the church loaned us one of their vehicles to use right now. These people are really God given.
I am so appreciative for all they are doing for us. I feel so blessed. Did I tell you that Gary's sister sent us a check for $200 dollars out of the blue? Yeah, Clay brought the mail in the other day and I opened it and there was no letter or anything, just the check. That is like them, they are not much on formalities, so not surprised at not getting a word or two.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 6:45 PM |
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| Sunday, August 13, 2006 |
| 8.13.6 |
Max told the family yesterday that he was done. He will no longer continue treatment. I guess he is ready for this to be over with. He is in so much pain. They had to take him by ambulance to the VA nearest them Friday. The AirEvac didn't have a helicopter to send for transport to Little Rock. The plan was that the ambulance would take him to Poplar Bluff and then they would get another ambulance to transport him to Little Rock. When they got to Poplar Bluff it was decided that he was not stable enough for transport to Little Rock. So they kept him there and that is where he is now. He has not ate but 2 bites of a sandwich in days. He throws up anything he can even think to try and get down, even his medication. He started refusing any medication except his pain pills. Makes me think that he had given up long before he said anything. I just feel that if he could swallow the pain meds he could of swallowed the other meds. He just chose to not take them and caused himself to be sick when they were given. If he threw up the pain meds too I wouldn't think that way. Momma hasn't let it hit her yet. She told me that she can't because she has to take care of him and she has to keep herself together. She is going on no sleep right now. Max is not sleeping but 5 minutes at a time and he wants her there everytime he wakes up, so she won't leave him. I convinced her yesterday that she had to leave him for a little while so that she could get some sleep. So, Tracy, my little sis, is going to rent a hotel room today and go relieve momma with Max. As long as momma knows that Max is with someone familiar she will do it I am sure. She needs a good long hot shower or bath and a nice comfy bed to rest on for 6 to 8 hours. I don't know how long Max will live now. Well, no one can know that really. He won't even go back to the cancer doctors. Momma is going to have the Poplar Bluff VA set up hospice for him and that is it. He may have to have a feeding tube, that is all I can think of if he can't eat. I believe hospice can take care of that. It will be a new playing field now I suppose.
Things around here have been a bit stressful. Our van quit on us. We don't know what is wrong with it. It acted really strange. It would go in reverse OK but when you put it in drive you could put the gas pedal all the way to the floor and it would barely move. First thing that comes to mind is the transmission when you say it will go in reverse but not drive but when you hear the engine it really throws you off. The engine makes a bad noise and in drive the rpms will not move when you put on the gas. I am hoping, even though it is strange acting, that it is just the fuel filter. We have no money to fix it and cannot get another vehicle. The place we always buy our vehicles from is only $50 a week and we don't have that much money even. The church towed the van and is paying for the shop to look at it. They said that they would see how much it cost to fix it and if it isn't more than the van is worth I guess they are going to pay to have it fixed but if it is more than it is worth they said they would talk to Gary about our options. All I know is that our options are that we can't afford to make payments on a different vehicle so we are either screwed or the church gets us another vehicle. God has always taken care of us in these matters so I know which will happen. This church has bought vehicles for people before so I know that it is not out the scope of possibilities.
Clay is still not progressing on his homework very well. You know, that is my biggest stressor right now. It is what makes me go bananas.
Gary is having more problems with his privates. The pain is now moving up. His sister, who is an RN said he could be herniated. She didn't think it was just an infection. I am still holding out for an infection. He sees a doctor on the 15th of September. I don't think I said in here before that we found a clinic that he can go to and the doctor is only $10. I don't know about everything else. We will just go from the doctor onwards. I am hoping they got a deal with a lab for lab work. If he needs a prescription the church will pay for that.
I am doing OK. I am getting my nights and days straightened out finally. That is why I am up at 5 a.m. blogging. I am going to cut my Klonopin in half so that I don't sleep so much during the day.
Later. God bless. Teressa.
P.S. I surely do miss Lisa.
P.S.S. Thank you to all that responded to my previous post. You all were very much helpful. It is so nice to have the kind words given. Love to all. |
| posted by Teressa @ 4:44 AM |
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| Tuesday, August 08, 2006 |
| 8.8.6. |
I wish that life was easy, yet I know it was never promised that way except in the beginning. I struggle with accepting that sinning is just a part of life. I don't want to sin. I know how I should think, act and live. I fail miserably. I will just continue to strive for it. Thank God that He loves me though I fail Him. He takes such good care of Gary, Clay and I. Miracles are performed in our lives regularly. Yes, we have a tragedy happening in our lives right now but I also know that death is a part of living. We start dying from the moment we are born. I just wish that Max did not have to suffer like he is. I am OK, thank you to my friends who send warm thoughts. I am sort of distanced from what is happening. I don't have to watch him die like my mom and sister are. They are the ones that I feel for in terms of mourning.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 2:25 AM |
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| Monday, July 31, 2006 |
| 7.31.6 |
It has been awhile. Nothing exciting going on.
I have a mouse that got caught in one of our traps last night, that when caught, took off trap and all and went under our washing machine, ugh. He is now under there doing something, I am afraid it is chewing it's own leg off or something. When the trap went off the poor thing squealed and squealed. I felt bad. I don't know what else to do about them. They are taking over the house. I have let it go for a few years. I thought it was only one mouse but we have caught 2 and there is still one in Clay's room and one by my desk here. They are coming from the field next to us where the man keeps his horses.
I slept most of the day away today. I did get up early for a pdoc appointment this morning. It was at 8:30. I got there and the receptionist asked me what she could do for me and I was like what? I just said that I have an appointment. She asked if I hadn't recieved my letter. I knew nothing about a letter. I said no. Come to find out my appointment had been changed to Thursday at 8 in the morning. This new pdoc only comes on Thursdays. I can imagine what that is going to be like. Cramming two days worth of patients into one. I am so glad that Jennifer, the front office worker, remembered that I liked my appointments as early as possible. Now I just have to try and keep my appointments early because I do not want caught in the afternoon mess.
Max actually didn't get started on his treatments until the 24th. It went well. The radiation made him sick though. He had his second chemo treatment today but I haven't heard how that went yet. They said the 2d or 3d treatment would be when he started feeling the effects. I hope it wasn't today. The treatment plan is not 12 weeks as previously told, it is 6 weeks. Momma thought they would do 6 weeks of chemo then 6 weeks of radiation but they are doing them at the same time. I don't know, I just relay what I am told. Momma told me that she don't know if she will ever feel rested again. This is wearing her out too. Max needs a lot of attention and he wants momma to be the one giving it. They believe that he had another small stroke last week. He had all the symptoms. The doctor's at the VA where they treated him for the strokes said there was nothing they could do if he was having one, so there isn't much use in taking him in. Not unless it affects him extremely. This time it affected his motor skills some more and his speech more. They just said he would continue to have them because the plaque was there and coming loose. I really don't trust these VA hospitals. Sometimes, well a lot of times, they just don't make sense. That is why momma is 3 hours from home with Max and not going to one of the two closer to home. Because this one made better sense in their approach to things.
Clay has finished 43 questions of 100 of his summer homework. He starts school on the 21st of this month and I really fear that he will not have this done. It is making me a nervous wreck. He seems nonchalant about it and I fear that this kind of attitude will not get him through 3 advanced placement classes. I thought that he couldn't drop a class until the Christmas break but Gary reminded me that he could drop within the first 2 weeks of school. I just don't want this hurting his credits for graduation. Clay is intelligent but I think his glib attitude towards things will be a hindrance. I don't know, maybe I compare my OCD approach to things and I just don't know what is normal.
Gary is having some health issues. He can't go to the doctor because of no insurance. His blood pressure is over a hundred on the bottom most of the time. He is having pains in his gall bladder area and in his back. He also has a problem with one of his testicles being very swollen and sore, I am sure he would be happy to know that I posted that on the internet, lol, but it is really a serious problem. I guess we wait until it is time for the ER before he does anything. Then we will have an outlandish bill from the hospital that we cannot afford and that will cause him to have more stress which will lead him to having chest pains again. A viscious circle. I pray for him repeatedly and I have faith that God will take care of things. I shouldn't be worrying about it, but I do even knowing better. I am near a panic attack just typing this. Need to stop thinking of it.
I am in my own world which is where I prefer to be at the time. I would rather Gary and Clay do their things and leave me alone. My stress level is high and I just want to play hearts on the computer or go to diabetic chat. Sometimes diabetic chat is too much for me. I know it is not good for Clay for me to get like this. He feels so lonely as it is without my episodes. I just pray I don't do permanent damage to him and he grows to be bitter as an adult. I zone everything around me out most times and Clay hates when I have to ask him what he said because he knows I was ignoring him. Not that I single him out to ignore. I just zone everyone out. I guess it is a shield that I learned as a child that I never let go of.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 5:05 PM |
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| Saturday, July 15, 2006 |
| 7.15.6 |
I sit here after having broke Sabbath again this week. I so wish there was a church close to me where I could go every week and maybe a christian friend. I was asked if I am Adventist and I said yes like I always do. Yet, last night I got to thinking about that. I have not been baptized into the church yet so I guess I actually don't qualify. That means I belong nowhere. It is a lonesome feeling. I believe so much of what the Adventists believe and follow most of the teachings but I have doubts about some things. I am not Baptist or any other classification. I am a Christian, that is all I know for sure. I pray that I am doing right. I know that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes. I am just as hard on myself as anyone else who would judge me.
Anyway, as usual I was up late in diabetic chat 1 and I slept late today. I actually woke at 11 something but fell back to sleep in my chair sometime later and slept til 4 I think it was. Shoot I don't know when I am awake and when I am asleep anymore, lol, my hours are all messed up. After posting this I will be going into chat again tonight. If only I could go to bed and go to sleep, maybe get my clock straightened out. I don't see that happening.
Tuesday Max and my mom head to Little Rock for 12 weeks for his chemo and radiation treatments. I know it is going to be so much harder than it already has been. I wish I could do something to take some of the load off. All I have is prayer and I believe that is the greatest tool a person has. They told them they will try to kill the cancer in the lymph nodes but it will come back someplace else. So no matter what he is still facing hopelessness in his mind. He is so depressed. They have him on medications for it and anxiety. He worries all the time as well. He worries about what will happen to my mom when he goes. She tries to tell him that she will be OK but it just doesn't seem to make a difference in how he feels. He has always been old school about taking care of her. Now he is dependent on her. It is hard to become a dependent when you are use to being very independent. I know from experience. It is frustrating. For the first time he couldn't walk the other day. Well, I guess it has been a week now. It was when they seen the oncologist and my mom had to get a wheelchair for him. Max feels that my mom will be able to take care of him by herself but I know that is not true. She will have to have hospice come in. Someone will have to help with lifting him. Max has gone from a 3x to a L but still that is too heavy for my mother who is little.
It is hot here. Suppose to be 98 degrees here tomorrow and the heat indicies 100 to 105. Thank you Lord for the air-conditioning. I pray that the homeless survive this OK. When I lay down at night I am always reminded of how blessed I am to lay my head on my pillow and my body on my bed. I will not forget, unless some disease takes my memories, my life when I did not have a place to lay my head but the grass or dirt. All the times of sleeping on someone's couch, thank God for their couches though, or not knowing where I was going. The desperation and the feeling of being defeated.
I am so bless now it is so remarkable. Even with my disabilities I am happy with my life. I do get lonely and sometimes I miss my friends, but I know that I am at the place I should be.
Later. God bless. Teressa |
| posted by Teressa @ 10:44 PM |
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| Monday, July 10, 2006 |
| Thank you friends |
Thank you to my friends who have been so patient with me while I am going through whatever mood this is. I do appreciate every comment made to let me know that you care. Until I recieved an e-mail from Lisa tonight I had not been on the internet except to check my e-mail since Thursday. Well to be exact it would of been early Friday morning because that is when I went to bed. I have been having panic attacks thinking of coming on here. I just don't know what to say anymore. My life is the same and Max is still dying of cancer. Nothing is changing about either one. It seems like all my little gripes are nothing compared to what Max is going through. Max has now gone from a size 3x to a L. He has no appetite and it will just get worse because they are going to start the morphine patches. My mom says that his breath smells like the cancer smelled that he had removed last year. She said she can give him a bed bath and it is no time that the smell of cancer is back.
Here things move along as usual. Clay has his summer homework to do. He has to read "To Kill A Mockingbird" and answer 100 questions about it before school starts. He is a quarter of the way through it and he thinks that is OK. We are fighting about it of course. As a teenager he of course knows so much more than I do, wouncha know. At nights he is working this week with the church in VBS. We put clothes in layaway for him for school, it was only $80, but I don't know how we are going to get them out. A credit card company that we had been avoiding since 1999, yeah I know, well they caught up with us, of course, knew it would happen just not when. Now we have another payment coming out every month. We sure didn't need that. I know, we deserve it. We had just caught up on all the other bills. Well all but a $39 dollar one that I forgot. I don't know what it is about finding that $39 dollars when I remember it, go figure. Then this week we had to take out a payday loan, yep, groan, one of the leeches. I don't see paying that off anytime soon. Probably not until income tax time. We did buy what school supplies that I knew Clay would need. I don't know what the deal is with the teachers not wanting paper from spiral notebooks. Spiral notebooks were only 10 cents each. I could of bought the years lot for a few dollars, but no, have to have binders with loose leaf paper. At least the $3 binders were on sale for $.97, couldn't beat that. I bought the 3 for the Advanced Placement classes he has I hope that is all he needs. I got highlighters, wooden pencils and a mechanical pencil. He prefers the mechanical pencils. I don't know about ink pens so decided to wait on that. I don't think they are allowed to have a red pen. Which is funny because we always had to have one when I went to school in the upper grades. Now though I guess it is an attempt at detering the changing of a grade.
Gary's side seems not to be bothering him so much lately or he is just being quiet about it. I know I have prayed for him and I do believe in miracles so a healing must of taken place if it is gone. His blood pressure is coming down as well. His pulse is still a bit high resting. His knees are taking a killing kneeling down at work the way he does. He has 3 knots on one knee and 2 knots on the other knee. They look like psoriasis and they itch. It very well could be that but it is localized to the knots. Nowhere else.
I guess that is enough to say for the time being. I didn't think I would be able to get anything out, lol. Goes to show what you might have in you at any given time.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 12:58 AM |
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| Wednesday, June 21, 2006 |
| Update |
First off I am sorry for not updating my blog the way I should. It is just not in me right now to keep up with it. I am in a strange mood. I feel very lonely in the world. I can't really talk about how I feel deep down. I hold back except with one person and I feel like I shouldn't be talking so much about myself to her, so I avoid it. I miss the Tower chat. I have been going to Yahoo chat in the Diabetic 1 chat room but I feel out of place there. My first online family is here. I miss everyone.
Max and momma went to the oncologist for the post-op appointment. She said that Max has the rarest form of cancer there is. She has only seen it twice in all the years she has practiced. It is very virulent (sp). He now has a spot near the opening they created for him to urinate from. They are pretty sure it is the cancer. They will have to do a biopsy on it I am sure. They expeditated a PET scan for him and will do it tomorrow because he has to do a special diet 24 hours before the test. Must be some heavy radiation. He can't go near a pregnant woman or baby after having the test for a period of time, I don't know how long it was. They are doing the PET because he has cancer someplace else and they can't find it. Max has also opted for chemo to prolong his life. He said he wanted to be with momma for as long as possible. They did tell him that this was only a means of prolonging the inevitable, that this is going to kill him.
Momma is falling apart. I am really concerned about her. All the time we new without the oncologist telling us that the cancer was incurable she didn't believe it and when the oncologist told her she fell to pieces. She is holding herself together in front of Max but if he is not around she is a mess. She is breaking out in boils all over her body and she has 4 fever blisters on her mouth. She won't take a nerve pill because she is afraid Max will need her and she won't be there. She called me and I said how are you doing and she started crying and just said "we are going to lose daddy". My heart went out to her. This is crushing her. She said she didn't think she was strong enough to go through it. I told her she was strong enough. That she was a strong person. That she always told us kids that God would never put on us more than we can handle. Also, that Job lost everything and she has her faith. She has strong faith. She did at one point maybe a month ago say something about this shaking her faith but I don't believe it will falter. She really is a strong person. I wish I could do something for her or be of some kind of use. I really am jealous of my sister who gets to be there with her all the time. I want to be there as well.
That is all for now.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 12:52 PM |
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| Friday, June 09, 2006 |
| The news |
Well, the doctor they went to Tuesday said that the cancer was matastisized. I don't know where the friend of my cousin came up with the word manisized. Anyway, I understand matastisized and it is not good. They said they couldn't find where it was. They will decide what is next when they see the oncologist on the 30th.
Momma still won't go and have the mammogram done on the lump under her arm. I know they don't have insurance but she just spent $100 on shoes and shopped for other things. She bought 2 Coleman air mattresses and I think those are $50 each. I think she can afford the mammogram. They eat out a lot and they don't eat cheap. It is Colton's Steakhouse or Applebees for them. I don't expect that they give the up, it is what they get their pleasure from, I would just think it could be curbed just to pay for the mammogram.
I am so sleepy right now and I have not been up very long. I could go back to sleep and sleep a few more hours. I wish my pills didn't make me so sleepy. At least the Wellbutrin helps. Every since the doctor told me to stop taking it at night and to take it in the morning I have not had a problem sleeping at night. I was like so duh, it was that simple.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 10:22 AM |
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| Wednesday, June 07, 2006 |
| Here I am! |
Well here it is June and once again I am trying to quit smoking. I hope I am successful this time. It feels different than last time. I am still having cravings but not as strong. I sometimes forget to change my patch and don't even notice it for a long time, like into the afternoon sometimes. Anyway, God is in control, not me.
Clay has started his summer homework. I think he believes it is going to be easy but the questions are not multiple choice or T or F and there are 100 of them. I don't know what kind of questions you call them. My brain is not functioning well at all. Speaking of brain function, I am very serious about it. It seems that I am reading things backwards, seeing things that aren't there when reading, can't remember easy things, and get confused easily. I think it is my Depakote and she just upped the dose.
Gary is mad at me because I asked for something to eat. That is why I hate asking. I never know when it is going to make him mad. I hate to be an inconvenience. At least I didn't ask him for eggs, which he hates to cook. I have to resort to eatting ramen noodles again for breakfast. At least I can tolerate them now.
Max goes to the doctor today. I should hear some news tomorrow. The doctor is suppose to just be removing the rest of his staples and looking at the incision. I am hoping though, since we know the pathology is back on the surgery, that the doctor will have something to say. We are getting so many different stories on what is going on it is frustrating. One doctor will give good news while the next will be maudlin with the news. I want the ones who carry the good news to be right.
Later. God bless. Teressa.
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| posted by Teressa @ 8:32 AM |
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| Tuesday, May 30, 2006 |
| Hello Everyone |
Well, what has happened since last we talked? Not much really. You could write a paragraph and each day maybe change a word or two and that would be my life.
Momma and Max are in the waiting part of the game right now. They have an appointment next week just to check the incision. The 30th they have the appointment with the doctors to discuss what the plan is going to be on what to do next. That is the appointment that has my mother and Max anxious and impatient. Max is hurting, how much of it is from more cancer or normal post-surgical pain, I don't know. Momma says Max's spirit is still quite depressed. Well nothing has changed so I don't expect him to have a different outlook.
I quit smoking. It has gone along fine this time. I just surrendered it to God and He gave me the victory. I don't even have the candy to munch on this time. I still have a craving now and again but nothing that I can't handle. I give God all the glory in this.
We have once again started observing the Sabbath and it sure feels good. It is nice to take that day and just devote it to God. It is a day of rest and Gary and Clay love to nap, lol, well, so do I. We still have yet to find the church in the neighboring city. I will be glad when we are able to go for Sabbath services. My faith feels stronger lately. My life is so blessed and I have so much to be thankful for. You just wouldn't believe what God does with our budget every month. It is an every two week miracle.
The weather they say has been hot here. I really don't know except for the couple times I have been out. It was warm those times, lol. It has rained quite a bit. Storms blowing through now and again.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 7:42 AM |
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| Tuesday, May 16, 2006 |
| Been a while... |
yes, it has. My heart just hasn't been into my blog. So many other things going on in my life right now. Thursday is when it hit me about Max. Oh, you know that I was sad but was feeling like I wasn't reacting, that I was cold, well I got proven wrong. This is such an awful thing. I know many others have been through it, but when it is your family is when it hits home the true reality of the destruction that cancer can be.
So, Max had the surgery today. They removed the lymph nodes and sewed him up. There is not a good prognosis from what I am being told on how long he will live after this. I was told that the operation was just to alleviate the pain he was in, that it would not get rid of the cancer. My cousin told me today that they will probably send him home with hospice to die. That way he will have a nurse and he will get meds to ease the pain. Tonight he is in a whole hell of a lot of pain. I feel so bad for him. His legs are wrapped for compression to keep the blood flowing and he has to stay on his back and his back is hurting him as well. He wants to turn over and they can't let him. I haven't got to talk to my mom except for her calling me and asking me to make phone calls for her. I really feel for her. This is tough.
I got to go to Little Rock Saturday and Sunday. The middle sister offered to give me a ride, Clay and I actually. My mother's cousin hosted a cook out for us so that we could visit with Max and just laugh and be carefree with him before he went into the hospital. He smiled a few times and got to get his mind away from Monday and Tuesday for a bit if we were successful.
More stuff going on but Max is the most important thing at the time. I may blog about the rest another day.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 10:36 PM |
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| Friday, May 05, 2006 |
| Cancer how I hate thee. |
It is a very bad cancer. He goes for pre-op Tuesday this week and surgery Tuesday of the next week. They may cut him open and just sew him back up. His daughter was told to spend as much time as she could with him and have her kids spend as much time with him as possible because he will probably not be here next year. Max is so sad and depressed. He don't want to talk to anyone. He told my mom that he has nothing to say. He just takes his pain pills and goes to bed. I am not reacting to this like I should be and that concerns me. I am sad about what is happening but I have yet to cry or be upset. I just pray. That is my rock. Tracy is taking this hard. I don't know what to say to her. All I know to do is listen when she needs an ear. She loves Max so much, he is her daddy, this is breaking her heart. My mother is hanging by a thread. She refuses to be seen about the lump that she found until Max is taken care of. I worry about her. What if we lose both Max and momma? It has been known to happen like that. I can't even go see them. Well we went the one time but I don't see a trip in the near future. I would love to go to Little Rock to be there for my mother during the operation. She will have her cousin Beth and Max's daughter there though. It is just that I was always there for my mother. She told me tonight, Teressa, you were always there for me and now it is your time to relax and let me take care of it. It is hard to do. It is as God plans it though.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 4:59 AM |
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| Monday, May 01, 2006 |
| Been tagged thought I would finally get around to doing it lol |
Lisa tagged me and PJ tagged me on this one. The rules are that you list 6 weird things about you and then choose 6 peeps to tag, make sure and go to their blogs and let them know that they have been tagged.
Here is mine, I have had a time choosing which weird things to share, lol.
1. My husband gets a kick out of this one. After using the bathroom I have to count to 6 while wrapping the toilet paper around my hand when I poop and 5 times when I pee. I can't stand to do it without counting. Since we have to smoke in the bathroom hubby found out about it and I take some flack over it, lol. Now is that a share or what?
2. Can goods have to be washed top and bottom before opening and using. It took me a couple years to get this through to my guys. I had to complain or remind for that long. I know, call me a nag, but I can't stand the thought of the germs on those cans from all the people who have handled them. I have seen some of the people working stocking shelves and the shoppers who like to pick up and put back. Also, who knows what has crawled on them. Ewwww!
3. I have to have my chair. It is my possession and noone else's. There is no reason for them to sit in it. Leave it alone. Unless you are my Granny. I panic at just the thought of someone sitting in my chair. I am not a selfish person but I have some kind of connection with my chair. It is not the particular chair, my chairs have changed, it is just that once it is established mine, it is mine.
4. I am rarely dressed. I am usually in my panties and a t-shirt or top. I can't remember the last time I wore a bra. I go everywhere but church braless.
5. I am paranoid about my ears and something crawling in them. I watched an Alfred Hitchcock movie when I was 11 or 12 and they put some kind of worm in this woman's ear and it crawled to her brain and laid eggs. They had to tie her to the bed and she was going nuts from feeling the bugs moving in her brain. I don't know why my mom let me watch that when I was always having bad dreams. Anyway, I will go through spurts of having to put cotton in my ears at night or making sure my ears are covered with my hair before I can go to sleep.
6. My legs need shaved really really bad. I can't shave them and have to wait for Gary to do it. He don't like doing it and I don't blame him. So, I can't wear my shorts outside of the house. It will probably take 4 disposables to shave them now. Isn't that disgusting? LOL
Now I have no idea who has or hasn't been tagged with this, but going to give this a whirl. I sure hope you guys are OK with doing these things.
1. Lilly
2. Clare
3. Taz
4. Barb (BloggoChicago)
5. Jil
6. The Queen |
| posted by Teressa @ 1:40 PM |
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| Saturday, April 29, 2006 |
| More bad news, ugh. |
My mother has found a lump in the area under the arm that they check when they do a mammogram. So I am guessing it is breast tissue? Anyway, they always pull it up into the machine when I have one done. Well, she was told she has to have a mammogram on it. She says it hurts. I think it could be a myranoma. I would say a lypoma but with pain it would be vascular. I have lypomas all over me. A few myranomas. Maybe I got it from her and she just never showed any until now. With the way things are going who knows. Also she has no medical insurance and can't get any without paying a fortune because of her diabetes and heart disease. She has already said that if she gets cancer she won't do chemo or radiation. She just wants to be given pain medicine and be allowed to die at home. I was concerned that with her feeling that way that she would try to influence Max to opt for that decision but she didn't, thank God. Max turned 60 today. His daughter and her beau took him and momma out to a steak house for dinner for his birthday. He loves a good steak so I hope his steak was the best.
Just talked to momma. Dinner went great and everyone had a good time. My sister Jerri and her husband and 3 girls are down and my sister Tracy went with them to dinner. I would of like to have been there, but even if I could of afforded going up there, I wouldn't have been able to afford a dinner like that, lol. China buffet is more my speed. When we went out in January to Outback that was a special treat.
Clay and I enjoyed our Sabbath. He is taking the same studies as I am. It is nice to share them together. Gary cooked dinner of fried chicken, his first time making it (forgot to season it, lol) but it was OK. It was healthy the way he cooked it except for the fat. Most of that came out when he put it in the oven after browning it. He made mashed potatoes and corn to go with it. We had a nice meal. I wish we had a dining table and could sit down together like regular folk and eat but I guess we are use to this so no harm done. We moved here when Clay was 9 almost 10 and I bet he won't even remember eating at a table when he gets older. That is a shame.
I have to go get caught up on blogs now. I haven't been blogging since sunset Friday so got some catching up to do. Hope everyone is doing well.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 9:00 PM |
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| Thursday, April 27, 2006 |
| Talked to momma |
I finally got to talk to my mom. It is hard when you are getting news passed down from one person to another. My sis just gave me what news she heard though.
My mom said that it is for sure cancer. That the reason they are sending it off to the lab is to see if the cells are consistent with the cancer he had before. The doctors already said that they look like it but they have to have confirmation from the lab. The next visit I, from what I understood, is to see if the cancer went up or down from the lymph node. If it went up it will have gone to the kidneys, liver, stomach, etc., and if it went down it will go to the prostrate. We are holding out that it moved down. They are going to remove the lymph gnode they know for sure and then Max is going to go through radiation and chemotherapy. The doctors at Little Rock could not believe that St. Louis did not do that when he had the penile cancer. They also said that with the type of cancer that Max has you can get rid of the cancer in one area completely and all of a sudden it shows up someplace else. It is called squamous cell carcinoma, I think I spelled that right. The doctor asked Max if he had thought of suicide and Max told him yes. Then the doctor asked if he had plans and Max told him no. Which is not true. Making the statement that he is going to go out in the field and shoot himself is making plans or rather I guess plotting the hows of what he will do. The doctor asked Max why he wanted to kill himself and Max told the doctor because he is no use to anyone anymore. My mom said she told him that he was to her. It is so sad. He is just like a big ole teddy bear right now and you just want to squeeze him. I know that he done some things that made life painful when we were growing up but nothing that was not forgivable and for sure nothing that you would want to see him suffer like this. I don't want to see anyone suffer like this, especially someone so close to me. I hope that didn't sound selfish. It just hurts my heart.
I have been sleeping a lot lately. Last night I slept 2 hours the first time, 2 and a half hours the second time, and 3 hours the 3d time. Then I slept for 2 hours twice today. It has been a busy week with something to do every day and I am not use to it. I canceled my pdoc appointment today. I didn't want to go anywhere. Now I don't have to get out of the house until the 4th of May. Hm, that is not far away. Ugh. Maybe I can put that one off too, lol.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 5:21 PM |
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| Wednesday, April 26, 2006 |
| Max's Biopsy |
They did 2 needle biopsies of the lymph node and determined that the cells are consistent with those of the previous cancer but they have to send a slide someplace to make sure it is. After they get the results from those people they will meet with Max to determine treatment options. There is still hope that it is not the cancer or they would not have to send it to another place to get confirmation is how I see it. Anyway, that is how I choose to see it. I am more worried that Max will take his own life before anyone gets a chance to talk treatment with him if it comes back positively cancer again. He has threatened to do it and has planned how. I keep trying to get my mom to take the guns out of his bedroom and out of the house but she won't do it. He said he was going to go out to the field one day and blow his brains out. I believe he would too. Anyway, back to my prayers.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 11:36 PM |
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| Pills, bah, who needs them. |
Gary is still insecure about his place in my life. I once again took my shower without his help and his response was, "See, I told you that you were going to get to where you don't need me. I told you so." I can't just let him continue to do things for me if I am able to do them. I want to do the things that I am able to do. It makes me feel so much better. Being dependent on others is something that really goes against my grain. I was always such an independent person. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. So today when I got up Gary was gone and I made use of the opportunity. I am having more problems walking. It is difficult getting to the bathroom or bedroom now. My wheelchair does not work in here. The apartment is not handicap friendly. Don't know what the answer is there. I need prayers from all who pray.
Well, they only did blood work on Max and some X-rays today, they are doing the biopsy tomorrow. I don't know if they have to cut him open for the biopsy or not. I didn't think to ask. So far they are pleased with the doctors and nurses at this VA hospital. The one in Poplar Bluff where he was going is known for being a lousy place to go to. Even though they sent him to St.Louis for the cancer treatment, all other tests was done in Poplar Bluff. The VA in Poplar Bluff was on that 20/20 segment that exposed certain VA hospitals for mistreating and bad medical practices to and on the patients. After the 20/20 episode the hospital lost its operating priviledges. That is why everyone has to be sent elsewhere for treatment like Max's.
Tomorrow Donna comes. She is suppose to come on Tuesdays but she had a parent/teacher conference with her son's teachers. It worked out good for me. I had to go grocery shopping after putting it off since last Thursday. I am glad it is finally done with. I am thinking of going off of my psych meds. I think that I should be able to control my mind on my own with God's help. I am going to be praying on it. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Thursday but I am going to go ahead and get full scripts from her for the month of May. By the time for my next refills I will have come to a conclusion on what I will do. I have to come off the medicines slowly so I have to tell her that I am doing it and I know that there will be opposition. I have to prepare myself for it. I have to put my faith in God.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 12:23 AM |
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| Monday, April 24, 2006 |
| Amazing Facts |
I have discovered an online Bible study that I am truly enjoying. It is called Amazing Facts and if you want to do the study then you can click here. It was nice, I spent the Sabbath working on the lessons. I have really felt bad for not observing the Sabbath as I should. There is no Sabbath keeping church where I live. They have one in the next town, that is an extra 50 miles a week to need gas for. I know that God will provide the gas, so, all I need to do is get the address and directions to the church. Now I won't mind going to that church. I know that it will be different. The only thing that will be difficult is my smoking. Now, I know it is wrong to smoke. Anything that harms the temple is wrong. I just don't like others judging me because of it. Especially if they are fat people. Overeating is just as bad as smoking in my book. Granted I do both but that is between me and God. I have to get beyond worrying about what others are thinking of me. I tend to take an attitude if I feel someone is criticizing me. I have a lot to work on.
I hope today finds everyone doing well. I don't see many posting, like me. Must be something in the air again. My problem is that there is hardly anything different from one day to the next. No fodder for the presses.
Max and momma left for Little Rock this morning. He has the appointment for his biopsy at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I don't know how long after that before we find out any results. I hope soon. They told my mother to be prepared to be there between 2 and 5 days. I am thinking that they expect the results within that time and depending on what they are will determine how long he will be there.
My mom and Max bought a new car. They traded in their Cadillac for a 2007 Toyota Camary (sp) LE. They got a 2007 because the dealership had run out of 2006's and Toyota sent them 4 2007's. My mother was pleased with such luck. The color is sand, it has a 5 disc CD changer, a great sound system, moon roof, lots of air bags-side, front, and knee, it also has a voice ativated hands free phone system, lots of other little goodies. It sounds like a sweet car. I am sure they are enjoying it today.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
| posted by Teressa @ 10:19 AM |
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