| Tuesday, January 10, 2006 |
| Words |
WORDS.....that is my problem. I cannot find the words to tell how I feel right now in any sort of intelligent way. Lisa told me to just write, so that is what I am doing. I don't know what will come of it but here goes. I apologize for my pity party in advance.
I am feeling very lonely. Yes, I have Gary and Clay, and I shouldn't complain, but I have no friends to come over and talk to. I use to have them and I was use to them. Now I sit here day in and day out just doing nothing with no one. I am very sad and I am hurting. I love Gary with all my heart but it is just blah right now and actually has never been on fire. I was always use to excitement. I just sacrificed that excitement in order to live a comfortable life. Gary is just not an exciting person, God love him. I knew that before I married him so should not complain in that regards either. We use to at least go for a ride down the country roads and listen to music or talk. We don't even do that anymore. I feel lazy too. I know that there are reasons for me being in this chair but in my mind I am the same me. My mind plays tricks on me. It likes to tell me that I should be up doing this or that. When in actuality I am unable to do them. I don't know how to accept my disabilities. It has been 14 years since I became disabled and 2 years since I have gotten to where I can't walk. Oh, I can walk to the bathroom, the bedroom, the van, and from the front of wallyworld to the door greeter, but I want to do more. I know there are people worse off than me and I feel guilty for feeling this way. Like I said I am having a pity party. I have this feeling of doom. Like something is going to happen that is going to frantically disrupt our lives. After living on the streets before I have a great fear of losing my home. It worries me all the time. The last few days I have felt like something is tearing at my insides beginning with my heart. Just gnawing and tearing. My mind won't think straight. This is the most thinking I have done other than make a comment on a blog I believe. No, two comments. Donna is coming tomorrow and I don't know how to begin to tell her how I feel. All she ever wants is for me to get back to my crafts, sewing, painting, poetry, sketching, plastic canvas, crocheting, any of it. I have no interest for even one of them. I even went to wallyworld to the craft section to see if maybe a new craft would spark an interest. Nothing was close to moving me. I can't do it if I don't feel it. Babs, I still have yet to read those books. I use to be an avid reader. I ate up books. I can't keep focused long enough to read a book now. I want to crawl in a hole. I want a whole life. I want to stand in front of a sink of dirty dishes again. It wouldn't matter to me. I just want to be able to do something other than take up space.
I am through now. Going to post this before I chicken out. Have to do my colors, ugh.
Later. God bless. Teressa.
P.S.
Look at my weather pixie. It is raining!
P.S.S.
Dang it. My rain is gone! |
posted by Teressa @ 12:44 AM  |
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| 10 Comments: |
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I hope you find something that you like doing, it may be closer than you think, for me it was politics, codes and all that, and recently photography, just as long as you're doing something. I hope you find it.
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i'm glad that you posted. got some of it out. show it to donna today. you need to really share with her so that she can help you.
i hope today is better than yesterday.
hugs
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i agree with lisa teressa, print it out for her. once you give it to her you cant take it back and maybe this will give her better insight to help you.
i wish we could all live in a community closer together i know you would then have friends drop in. i am sorry that you are feeling lonely and sad *pottyheaded hug on you*
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I agree print it out. I understood it very clearly and can identify with you. I know I can be with people and still feel that way, alone and needing something else. Companionship with reality friends is good to have, but it isn't always there. You can be assured you have friends here.
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Teressa, although I'm not handicapped, this post is something that I could have written. I can identify so closely with almost all of it. I have touched on my loneliness before. I had a life once too, back in Ohio, fun times, friends to be around, excitement like you said, all of that is gone here. I am so intensely lonely and I don't think other people can understand. To make it all worse, I feel that I HAVE to go through my life with a big smile face on, a false facade, to hide the way I really feel. I have to do this for the sake of my kids, for the sake of R. R has enough on his plate, he doesn't need my problems which would probably seem trivial to him. The kids have been through enough, I vowed when we took them that we would show them a better life and I will stick to that. I just never thought I'd feel this way 2 yrs. later. I constantly question whether I am being the best parent to them that I can be when I feel the way I do inside. I just feel lost. After I put them to bed...I have no interest in anything either. I will mope around the house for hours into the night. Just walking from room to room, sitting here or there and staring at a wall. Sometimes check my blog, email, but that's the extent of the computer use. I used to LIVE to read. Now I can't concentrate, the interest isn't there.
This should have been a post on my blog, it may well end up that way. I realized I've hijacked yours. But I just wanted you to know how much I truly do understand. Keep posting Teressa, even if you don't feel up to it. There is support and understanding here. Believe me, I have found so much of both when I was ready to put an end to all of it.
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T - I'm so glad you stopped by the Shark Tank (but today of all days! *blush*). I too get pretty lonely, but that's why I jumped here into the 'second society' as Sam called it. Hopefully coming to visit the Tank will give you a few giggles and make ya feel like your visiting an alternate universe!
PS Wallyworld? I didn't know anybody else called it that but us! :-)
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You aren't complaining, you're just stating your feelings. It's your blog...let it out. I can't imagine what you go through and yet you are still such a caring person.
Thanks for your comment yesterday. I just read your bio stories. Yes, all of it!
The running away from people thing is common with borderline personality disorder. My mother has BPD. I was once diagnosed with it as a teen, but therapists I've seen since I got away from her have said I'm not BPD, but I still have some of the traits.
Take care!
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YOu are so like me in many ways, or is it that I am like you? I lived on the streets once. For nine months. So I am terrified of being homeless again. Since we moved I have no friends to go visit, or for them to come over, I married a man for stability, not for the excitement (yes, I do love him). Are you me? Am I you? Hey girl. We can be like twins!! YOu wanna be my cyber twin?
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Hi Teressa, just stopping by to see how you are doing, boy this whole place has the blahs..some say it is the post-holiday blues but I was happy to see those holidays go,lol. Nice speaking to you last night...
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Teressa-
I can totally understand what you are going through. I too have Fibro and it is a bitch.
If you ever want to talk just drop me a line:)
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I hope you find something that you like doing, it may be closer than you think, for me it was politics, codes and all that, and recently photography, just as long as you're doing something. I hope you find it.