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| Saturday, July 15, 2006 |
| 7.15.6 |
I sit here after having broke Sabbath again this week. I so wish there was a church close to me where I could go every week and maybe a christian friend. I was asked if I am Adventist and I said yes like I always do. Yet, last night I got to thinking about that. I have not been baptized into the church yet so I guess I actually don't qualify. That means I belong nowhere. It is a lonesome feeling. I believe so much of what the Adventists believe and follow most of the teachings but I have doubts about some things. I am not Baptist or any other classification. I am a Christian, that is all I know for sure. I pray that I am doing right. I know that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes. I am just as hard on myself as anyone else who would judge me.
Anyway, as usual I was up late in diabetic chat 1 and I slept late today. I actually woke at 11 something but fell back to sleep in my chair sometime later and slept til 4 I think it was. Shoot I don't know when I am awake and when I am asleep anymore, lol, my hours are all messed up. After posting this I will be going into chat again tonight. If only I could go to bed and go to sleep, maybe get my clock straightened out. I don't see that happening.
Tuesday Max and my mom head to Little Rock for 12 weeks for his chemo and radiation treatments. I know it is going to be so much harder than it already has been. I wish I could do something to take some of the load off. All I have is prayer and I believe that is the greatest tool a person has. They told them they will try to kill the cancer in the lymph nodes but it will come back someplace else. So no matter what he is still facing hopelessness in his mind. He is so depressed. They have him on medications for it and anxiety. He worries all the time as well. He worries about what will happen to my mom when he goes. She tries to tell him that she will be OK but it just doesn't seem to make a difference in how he feels. He has always been old school about taking care of her. Now he is dependent on her. It is hard to become a dependent when you are use to being very independent. I know from experience. It is frustrating. For the first time he couldn't walk the other day. Well, I guess it has been a week now. It was when they seen the oncologist and my mom had to get a wheelchair for him. Max feels that my mom will be able to take care of him by herself but I know that is not true. She will have to have hospice come in. Someone will have to help with lifting him. Max has gone from a 3x to a L but still that is too heavy for my mother who is little.
It is hot here. Suppose to be 98 degrees here tomorrow and the heat indicies 100 to 105. Thank you Lord for the air-conditioning. I pray that the homeless survive this OK. When I lay down at night I am always reminded of how blessed I am to lay my head on my pillow and my body on my bed. I will not forget, unless some disease takes my memories, my life when I did not have a place to lay my head but the grass or dirt. All the times of sleeping on someone's couch, thank God for their couches though, or not knowing where I was going. The desperation and the feeling of being defeated.
I am so bless now it is so remarkable. Even with my disabilities I am happy with my life. I do get lonely and sometimes I miss my friends, but I know that I am at the place I should be.
Later. God bless. Teressa |
posted by Teressa @ 10:44 PM  |
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| 10 Comments: |
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Hi Teri, just like you I sit here in front of this computer late at night. You stay in Diabetic Chat, I spend a lot of time in the Depression Forums. I guess you and I need the feedback, and the comfort in knowing we are not the only ones in our positions. I hope the radiation therapy helps Max to feel more comfortable. It is natural for him to worry about your mother when he passes. And it must be hard for him to be in a wheelchair. I wish they'd hurry up and find a cure for cancer like they did for Polio and TB. They are even getting a handle on AIDS treatment. Yet cancer, which takes so many good people jus runs its course no matter what treatment is used. Never mind about the church, Teri. Where ever a true beliver like you is,the church is with you in spirit. Of course, there is social interaction with people in a church building, rather than in your heart. Maybe one Sabbath you can attend when you feel up to it. How is Clay spending his summer? VBS is usally over by now. I imagine you are laying his schoolclothes and school items aside by now. Every year around this time I would go pick Amanda's clothes and school supplies out at K-Mart and pay on them every week. Of course when she got older she wanted to pick out her own things. Trouble is most kids want things in a store where there is no layaway so when those days came, I had to get things the best way I could. I was still able to get school items laid away and her back-pack. There was the year she wanted a lot of her stuff from the Sports Authority. Well, I just did the best I could. When she went to work in McDonald's at age 14, she is able to get her own stuff, I just drove her there. Of course I still helped her but at least she could pay for most herself. Well my nighttime meds are starting to kick in, so I better go to bed. Just saw where you had posted, and wanted to drop you a few words..take care (((((((Teri))))))
Linda
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Terri, Your faith always amazes me. As always, you're in my thoughts.
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I'm so sorry about Max and it has to be hard on your mom too.
We are very lucky to have a/c.
Take care!!
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Just passing thru and thought I'd stop and say hi. How are you doing? How hot is it down there? It was 100 yesterday and 97 today, tho it could have climbed higher since I passed the bank. All you can do is like me, sit in the a/c and watch the light bill go up.. How is Max and your Momma doing here lately? Well, talk to ya later, hugz Linda
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You show love to others & IMHO, that speaks more than any organization or title.
From my experience, I think once your mom & Max get to Little Rock, they'll get all the assistance they need. At least I hope that is the case.
Take it easy.
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I came here to cheer you up and instead you made me feel better. You always do that. Looking around at what I do have and realizing others are not so fortunate, I am reminded how blessed I am. Thanks for such a beautiful post.
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It's my day off so here I sit, thought I'd drop by and say hello and see how you are. Hope you are standing the heat ok. So long as I stay in the living room where my a/c is, I feel a lot better..take care...(((((((Teri)))))))
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how did your eye appt. go?
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First visit - Very impressive blog. Your experiences in life sound familiar, and most people have no idea
what you are going through. My advice is seek comfort where you can. The general public are as usual COLD FISH!
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Hi Teri, I am making my rounds to say hi...take care (((((((Teri)))))))
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Hi Teri, just like you I sit here in front of this computer late at night. You stay in Diabetic Chat, I spend a lot of time in the Depression Forums. I guess you and I need the feedback, and the comfort in knowing we are not the only ones in our positions. I hope the radiation therapy helps Max to feel more comfortable. It is natural for him to worry about your mother when he passes. And it must be hard for him to be in a wheelchair. I wish they'd hurry up and find a cure for cancer like they did for Polio and TB. They are even getting a handle on AIDS treatment. Yet cancer, which takes so many good people jus runs its course no matter what treatment is used. Never mind about the church, Teri. Where ever a true beliver like you is,the church is with you in spirit. Of course, there is social interaction with people in a church building, rather than in your heart. Maybe one Sabbath you can attend when you feel up to it. How is Clay spending his summer? VBS is usally over by now. I imagine you are laying his schoolclothes and school items aside by now. Every year around this time I would go pick Amanda's clothes and school supplies out at K-Mart and pay on them every week. Of course when she got older she wanted to pick out her own things. Trouble is most kids want things in a store where there is no layaway so when those days came, I had to get things the best way I could. I was still able to get school items laid away and her back-pack. There was the year she wanted a lot of her stuff from the Sports Authority. Well, I just did the best I could. When she went to work in McDonald's at age 14, she is able to get her own stuff, I just drove her there. Of course I still helped her but at least she could pay for most herself. Well my nighttime meds are starting to kick in, so I better go to bed. Just saw where you had posted, and wanted to drop you a few words..take care (((((((Teri))))))
Linda