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| Monday, January 23, 2006 |
| Dreary |
As I sit here and think of the new day I find no joy. I went to bed just after 5 a.m. this morning and got up at 7:50 a.m. so I imagine sleeping will be in order, of course. What does it matter anyway? Who cares that I sleep all day? It doesn't make a difference whether I am awake or sleeping, everything will be the same. The Depakote increase doesn't seem to have done anything. I am still blah. Nothing seems to move me. We are getting our income tax this week and I should be looking forward to that. It is the one time a year that we get to actually go shopping for things and not worry, normally. This year I am anxious about it. I am anxious about spending the money on a new computer. It feels so selfish to do that. Clay is looking forward to this one though. This one is a good computer. It has it's quirks but nothing major. If anything happens to it I know how to reformat it quickly and be on my way. I like Windows 98 too. The new computer will have Windows XP. I don't like it as well as Windows 98. I guess I am just so familiar with the 98 version. But I knew my way around the XP version too so I don't know. I hope what I knew comes back to me easily enough.
My memory bothers me. I have lost a chunk of time that I didn't realize was gone until yesterday. It was when I was married to my 3d husband, Ace, and he had beat me pretty bad and tore up a hotel room. The sheriff was called, I guess one of the guests called them. I remember going with them but not what happened between the beating and being in their car. They took me to my dad's. I remember arriving at my dad's and his dog scaring the sheriff. I don't remember what else happened after that. I know I ended up back with Ace somehow and us living in a house in the neighboring town from my parents. Try as I may I cannot for the life of me recall this time that is lost. It is like the 6 months that I lost while drinking. Just gone. Now I forget things all the time (Lisa, the "Thank You" cards are still in front of my face on the desk. I forgot to send them, lol.) I can't remember birthdays, names, faces, or keep up with appointment times. I felt like a child having to hand my blood work papers over to Gary so that he could keep track of them and when I have to have them done. I use to take care of all of that for the 3 of us. Oh well.
It rained over the weekend here. It was so nice. We got about an inch. It is suppose to be 60 for a high tomorrow. Today I think the high is suppose to be 44. I don't go out so the highs and lows don't make a difference to me. I do have to go out on Thursday though. The sun is suppose to be shining today. Of course I wouldn't know if it actually was or not, I sit with all curtains closed. I use to make myself open the curtains when I was low. Now it is just so much more comfortable leaving them closed that I can't bring myself to open them.
I hope my friends are feeling better today. You all mean so much to me. It is wonderful to have found such caring people such as you.
Thank you God for all the comforts and needs that you meet in my life. Thank you for my family and friendships. Thank you for cradling me when I need someone to take control. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross so that I might live forever with my Father.
Later. God bless. Teressa. |
posted by Teressa @ 9:30 AM  |
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| 7 Comments: |
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We've got your rain today. And fog, it is so foggy out but I actually kind of like it. Sometimes you get sick of sun and blue skies so a change is nice.
Tax season....bleccchhh! I haven't even gotten my W-2's from last year yet so I can't start but even though I get money back, I hate doing em. I think I'll pay someone this year.
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i'll bet once you get the new computer, you'll be excited. i hope so. i'm sorry that you're still feeling blah. it's a crappy way to feel.
i think forgetting things is part of the depression. i used to remember everything. too much sometimes. now i rely on sean to keep track of my appts. and the things that i have to do.
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Welcome to writing things down, lol. Also I put things side so I know where they are, then forget where I put them when I need them My mother kept lots of notes and lists so it's something I grew up with. I think the more medication you are under, the short=term things seem to go by the wayside. If I don't see you every day, I will forget your name and be embarassed. And I think the holes in our memories are there for a reason. It's probably better for our sanity not to remember. Everynow and then I get a brain fart and remember something and I hete this because usually these memories are not pleasant. I am so happy your new computer will be here soon. I have Windows 2000XP but this is because my brother upgraded it from Windows 2000 professional, like for the office. The computers are here to keep us connected to the outside world. It is so wonderful to keep in contact this way, I don't know what I ever did without a computer before. Before I used to do journals by hand for my own eyes only. This is better because there are people who can tell you you are way off in lest field, or that there are other people who can identify with what you are going thru. Try not to worry about the forgetfullness. You don'r have alziemers. It's the pills, esp. at the higher doeses. You have to figure out a way to cope with it that works for you. I use lists and notes and wonder how other people can remember to do this and that. I can't remember squat...take care, love&hugs, Linda
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I like post it notes. I also keep a draft email as a to-do list. I even have on there for every day, take meds, clean cat box, simple things like that. But I forget if I don't have it somewhere.
Thanks for your comment earlier. We all just need to be who we are. That rain was nice this weekend and I hope we get more.
Take care!
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I use those post it notes too. The problem is post it notes to find post it notes. Sometimes my house looks like a sea of post it notes.
I am excited about your new computer. Keep us posted on the computer and when you get it installed. TAke care lady.
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Hi Teressa,
RYC: Thanks. You are such a sweet and genuine person. I'm embarrassed that you read my nasty blog today. Can we just chalk it up to my having a bad day? I'm not going to apologize for it but I needed to read your words. Thanks again. Love!
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when the dr. first took mojo off effexor and put her on depakote she said hours will go by and she has no memory of what she did or what happened..dont know if that is the withdraw from effexor or the depakote..hmmmmmm
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We've got your rain today. And fog, it is so foggy out but I actually kind of like it. Sometimes you get sick of sun and blue skies so a change is nice.
Tax season....bleccchhh! I haven't even gotten my W-2's from last year yet so I can't start but even though I get money back, I hate doing em. I think I'll pay someone this year.